I believe along the curve of time we find reflections of ourselves within it over and over again. Whether that be through people, places, music, writing - every medium is a mirror and wherever we find passion we find the origin. The songs in this playlist have been some of my greatest reflections.

🗝 for safekeeping:

my Twitter

my Spotify

my Instagram

thestrangerdaily-blog:

“Nothing in life is worth turning your back on if you love it.”

— Albert Camus

(via athomeinthefog)

this was the night before a lot changed for me. I was with two people I felt safe with, whom I knew I might not ever see again. I remember crying through most of the concert but knew they did not mind, and for them I am eternally grateful.

📍 Porter Robinson, October 2021 in Madison, WI

I’m so tired of being tied to you. I regret staying. I regret believing you. I regret trusting you. All I feel is shame, and humiliated by you.

You got what you wanted, now leave me be. I will not be in your life while you are in a relationship founded on betraying me.

______________

If you hurt someone, let them be angry. Let them have their space to express and process their valid resentment. They are not unwell, they are not dwelling or crazy — they are reacting to the pain that you caused, trying to make sense of it, and processing their reactions while trying to grow and move forward each day. You don’t get to decide when their anger or pain ends, or how they should be handling it. You don’t get to alter someone’s life with your choices and then get upset when they’re angry about it. Accept when they do not forgive you.

It is because of your actions that they do not have the luxury of looking back on the relationship with only love. You have clouded all of the memories and your ongoing betrayal makes it impossible for them to ever fully heal. A foundation to move forward from was laid only for you - not them.

And when you unfollow them publicly but continue checking up on them privately — this is where power dynamics remain and shame grows. By doing this you only continue to keep them hidden and a secret while you remain in a public relationship with someone you betrayed them with.

elizabethanism:

“I believe more in truth than in kindness. I think that truth is the quintessence of kindness, long-term kindness.”

— Clarice Lispector (December 15, 1973

(via kitchen-light)

a few notes on experiencing intimate betrayal and moving through anger for the first time in my life, a year removed…

….once you have moved through the stages of grief you find yourself turning your pockets inside out grabbing at handfuls of disillusionment. You slowly come to realize that things you believed in and were told to be true, were not. You were being told one thing and shown another, and you trusted the words every time despite your intuition humming in the background.

The one who hurt you was constantly developing and maintaining intimate relationships behind your back while convincing you you were the only one….telling you they loved you, what an honor it was to be with you, how much they loved that you were not like other women…you were intentionally kept hidden from new women and their newer social circles, too, and the shame of this will lead to intrusive thoughts about your worth. And when the day comes where you decide to distance yourself, you will feel the weight of this heavy humanness between the keys.

You have been placed in a lose-lose situation, and their choices have given you no path forward rooted in growth together. You either disrespect yourself by continuing a friendship with them while they continue a relationship founded on betraying you, or you walk away, losing 8 years of connection and the mutual friends who came with it.

You will feel like they took all of the goodness and love out of you, kept it for themself, only to bottle it up and give it to the person they hurt you with. And when you find out that the very first night you moved out of your apartment, they slept at theirs, you will know they were lying to you longer than you thought.

They were calling the women you had your suspicions about crazy and obsessive behind their backs while developing intimate connections with them behind yours.

You’re left unable to fully process the ending of your relationship or even work on it because they moved on to the next one before yours was even over, before you even knew. There was an absence of respect for you during and directly after your romantic relationship ended. The choices they made were careless, cruel, and at your expense.

As you move through the valid anger you hold, your task of healing is to learn to trust yourself, and forgive yourself for the times you believed what you wanted to see and what you were told instead of what was actually there. To forgive yourself for the times you disillusioned yourself and others, too. To not get stuck here, you have to recognize your faults and actively work to change them. After all, no one heals what they refuse to look at. To reach out, to ask for help, to truly see all of your darkest thoughts, reactions and actions for what they are…this is an honest next step and truly the only way forward, but one only fully possible to see through with a support system.

Betrayal by the person you are closest to is humiliating and traumatic. Everyone has the capacity to change, and surely you both will, but you have been left worse-off at their hands. And even when you take accountability for the ways you fell short, the honest growth that comes from recognizing you cannot place all of the blame on them, and when you have moved through the denial and anger enough to acknowledge relationships are two way streets, you still did not deserve to be betrayed.

You did not deserve to experience the shame of being kept hidden, or the sleepless nights questioning your worth while they were out with other women. It is one thing to be human and inevitably hurt the people you love, but to sustain betrayal is cruel.

Even if what you seek is radical change, there are kinder ways to leave people than to leave them for someone else. There are kinder ways to move on and forward, and you deserved one of them.

________

heavensghost:

words are from 5am by Ex:Re sewn onto paper

My art Instagram

relatablepoetryandquotes:

“The heart, poor fellow,
pounding on his little tin drum
with a faint death beat.”

- Anne Sexton, Red Riding Hood

camreejadexo-blog:

“I burn, I freeze; I am never warm. I am rigid; I forgot softness because it did not serve me.”

— Deathless, Catherynne M. Valente (via compelledbybooks)

(via camreejadexo-blog)

welten-wellen:

I’m definitely a romantic, I don’t think life is really worth all the pain and effort and struggling if you don’t have somebody that you love very much.

- Chet Baker